I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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