if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
