Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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