Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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