I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Randomize