She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
