the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
