Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
