I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
