He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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