Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
