yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
