No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
