I think my vagina is haunted
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Randomize
