I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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