ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
