I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
