it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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