I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
