So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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