i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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