i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
