Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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