if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
