Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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