party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
