somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
