mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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