the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
