My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
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