Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
i think i have two assholes
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize
