So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
