Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Define "chronic" masturbator.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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