if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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