my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
