My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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