Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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