haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
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