I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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