Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Randomize
