Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
