Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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