She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
