I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
