I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
