im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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