everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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