he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
