Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
