my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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