don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
