All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
