I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize