Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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