can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I want her autograph on my taint
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
