i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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